I Had Surgery to Make My Dick Bigger |
In high school I became, I wouldn't say "addicted," but I was very into male enhancement. My best friend and I would go to the gym together. We got into everything—pre-workout, SARMs, steroids. We tried it all. Putting shit into our bodies and we didn't even know what it was. One day this dude at the gym was like, "Dude, I have this stuff. You gotta try it. It makes you so good in bed." That's how I started using Cialis, which was the gateway into all of this. Cialis was like magic. Before, I would last maybe a minute or two. I had tried everything at that point—rhino pills, horny goat weed, royal honey. But with Cialis I lasted longer, I performed better, and I had more confidence. That solved my performance problem so I started to think about ways that I could make it bigger. I would watch YouTube videos of people saying how much size matters. Thing is, it's true. I don't care what anybody says about the motion of the ocean. To get the top girls, you gotta bring something to the table. |
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| My Daughter Is Graduating From College. Here's What I Want Her To Know |
It's up there as one of my all-time favorites, if not my all-time favorite photo: Almost-five-year-old you wore your pink bike helmet cocked on your head. Your little braids, accented with sky-blue bobbles, fell all around your face. You were seated on your pink-and-purple bike—yeah, we were heavy with the pink theme—in the park around the corner from your mom's townhouse, gripping your handlebars. You looked straight at me, the zealous photographer, with a smile of pure triumph. We took the picture during one of your bike-riding lessons. It ranks as one of my faves because it occurred in the midst of me chasing the impossibility of becoming a writer, a dream that risked 2,500 miles of physical distance—and no telling the size of an emotional chasm—between us, and because those lessons are my earliest memory of daddy-daughter time. In a couple hours flat, you were pedaling long stretches sans my assistance, albeit with me warying behind you to intervene in a crash. It seemed like lickety-split you got faster and the berth got bigger. Like all of a sudden you were zoom, zoom, zooming as if nothing on this earth could harm you. "Look, Daddy! Look at me!" you squealed. It was a feat, nothing less, and one made more remarkable because of my own biking lessons. Confession: Not only was I a slower learner than you, I was more fearful. Or rather fear extended the time it took me. And therein lies a crucial difference between you and me. Despite a history that could testify to the contrary, I remain averse to risks, am someone who's been nurtured into imagining danger in almost any circumstance. Charge it to the number of times in my youth I felt imperiled by gunplay, to the few but unforgettable times someone thrust a pistol into me and spit a threat, to the peers who were murdered or did the murdering before they reached the age you are now. For decades, I've believed myself near the limit of dodging danger, that the next thing could be the thing that wreaks the gravest harm. It gives me comfort to know that you are entering the working world braver than I have ever been. |
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The 12 Best Canned Cocktails |
Blasphemy, I thought. There it was, a prepackaged mojito in a grocery store. This was about a decade ago. Still, I was curious to try it, because a canned cocktail that was actually good? That could be a gateway to converting pedestrian drinkers into cocktail nerds. Sadly, there was no craft in that canned mojito. No love. It confirmed my conviction that quality drinks must be mixed, not mass-produced. Recently, however, I popped open a daiquiri from Tip Top, an Atlanta-based company specializing in classic cocktails served in Lilliputian cans. It was, shockingly, sublime. The simple yet difficult-to-balance daiquiri is often considered a litmus test to separate ordinary bartenders from great ones. The fact that a version that stellar came from a can was revelatory. Ready-to-drink cocktails—or RTDs, as the industry calls them—are no longer what they used to be. As demand surged during the pandemic, more serious bartenders and distilleries began producing them using real spirits instead of industrial malt alcohol or vodka. Now we're living in a golden age of the canned cocktail. |
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The Freeing of Melancholia Bishop |
"Welcome, young lady," said Micky Wright, the premier announcer for Chain-Gang All-Stars, the crown jewel in the Criminal Action Penal Entertainment program. "Why don't you tell us your name?" His high boots were planted in the turf of the BattleGround, which was long and green, stroked with cocaine-white hash marks, like a divergent football field. It was Super Bowl weekend, a fact that Wright was contractually obligated to mention between every match that evening. "You know my name." She noticed her own steadiness and felt a dim love for herself. Strange. She'd counted herself wretched for so long. But the crowd seemed to appreciate her boldness. They cheered, though their support was edged with a brutal irony. They looked down on this Black woman, dressed in the gray jumpsuit of the incarcerated. She was tall and strong, and they looked down on her and the tight coils of black hair on her head. They looked down gleefully. She was about to die. They believed this the way they believed in the sun and moon and the air they breathed. |
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The Best Early Memorial Day Apple Deals Happening Now |
While we might be weeks away from official Memorial Day deals, Amazon and Walmart are hinting at the deals to come by dropping prices on top picks as we speak. If you've been waiting to invest in some hot ticket tech items from Apple, now's your chance. From iPad Accessories to Apple Watches and beyond, there's a solid amount of early deals to cash in on. We've seen AirPods sales come and go, but don't worry, the earbuds are still on sale. The 3rd Generation AirPods dropped just $10 off, but we're hopeful to see that prices go down even more. Apple computers ranging from 2020 releases all the way up to the newest 2023 drops are seeing sale prices, with the 2023 MacBook Pro hitting the lowest price ever. You can cash in on a new Apple Watch for up to 43 percent off and even snag an iPad Air at the lowest price we've seen. We're breaking down the best Apple deals we're seeing so far, and you'll want to save this page as we keep it updated with the latest and greatest early Apple Memorial Day deals. |
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Inside The Battle For North Dakota's Bookshelves |
"Anal plugs!" thunders North Dakota Republican Rep. Bernie Satrom. "Anal sex. Mutual masturbation. Rimming!" He's just issued a rare warning in the North Dakota House chamber: "To anyone listening at home with children, you might want to turn off the sound." A small child is sitting in spitting distance, and a group of high school students (who are, predictably, losing their shit at all this) are seated a few rows behind me in the House balcony. Satrom is reading from Let's Talk About It: The Teen's Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human, a work of graphic nonfiction for teens. He's making the case that this sex-ed book and others like it aren't educational but pornographic and should therefore be banned from public libraries. "On page eighty-two," he continues, "the book says, 'The anus is chock-full of sensitive nerves.'" You could be forgiven for assuming that this imbroglio started with an uprising among inflamed readers from North Dakota. It's easy to imagine an irate group of parents, backed by Moms for Liberty or one of many similar organizations, discovering that an objectionable book exists in their community. Then they storm a school-board meeting or a children's story hour at a public library and demand its removal. That's not what happened in North Dakota. |
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