Call Us When He Kills You |
For the last eight years, I've been stalked by a man I do not know. I've never had a conversation with him. I know his name, but I won't say it. I know what he looks like as well as I know the stoops and curbs of my own neighborhood, but I don't know where he comes from, how he lives, or why he chose me. As I write this, he's in jail, but he still sends me pornographic magazines, and he still calls me almost every day. I don't know how it will end, but this is how it began. Early one Sunday morning, I'm jolted awake by pounding on my front door. I roll into my robe and rush to discover Leslie, my four-hundred-pound, not-quite-right neighbor from down the hall, dressed as usual in a rumpled, food-stained shirt and blue jeans so filthy they've acquired the texture of greasy canvas. There's another guy with him, standing slightly behind, an oddball in a ridiculous getup—dark sunglasses and an aviator cap. "My friend wants to meet you," Leslie pants. |
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Have We Officially Ruined the Martini? |
Things are tough, I get it. You gotta cater to those folks who get all their suggestions from twentysomethings on TikTok, and the trends they are a-changin' all the time. But all this wheel-reinventing in the food world has been wearing me down. There's a reason why people always say "the classics are that way for a reason." These days, everywhere I go tries hard to sell me on their martini. One place swears they make the coldest in town; another has a variety of vermouths that they ask me to select from. Meanwhile martinis have gotten dirtier than ever. (Oh, yours is "filthy." Ha ha.) It used to be so simple to order a martini. Now I have to put thought into it. Isn't the purpose of a martini, as with meditation, to give one's thoughts a break? |
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What I've Learned: Robbie Williams |
I used to be able to sing track seven off the album and the whole stadium would know it. These days I can sing the first single and the stadium don't know it. It happens in everyone's career. I don't like that. In my particular line of work, it's not about you; it's about them. I don't want to get up and do the same songs every night, but I also want to facilitate the best evening possible because people have paid good money to receive that. Money isn't the top of the mountain, and the top of the mountain isn't the top of the mountain. When you get to the top of the mountain in any profession, you have an existential crisis because it didn't fix you. Fame won't fix you. Success won't fix you. Purpose kind of fixes you. |
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The Two Types of White Dress Shirts Every Man Should Own |
There are very few items of clothing as foundational—as elemental—as the white dress shirt. It may not maintain the ubiquity it once did, but even in 2024, the fact is you need at least one for big meetings, evenings on the town, court dates (fingers crossed!), and myriad other aspects of adult life. In fact, you'd be better off with at least two, each slightly different from the other but serving similar functions. And the secret is you can probably get away with owning only two white dress shirts. Here's what you do: Start by getting a spread-collar dress shirt, one with a shape that sweeps out from your chin and follows the approximate lines of your collar bones, in a fancier fabric like poplin. Then, be an American—more on that later—and get an oxford cloth button-down, which will have a beefier fabric and collar points that button down onto the shirt (hence the name). Once you've done that, you're pretty well covered. |
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25 Best Saturday Night Live! Cast Members of All Time, Ranked |
Saturday Night Live! is nothing short of a television miracle. Now in its fiftieth season, the show is the most popular it's been in years, if not decades. It's aging gracefully and arguably looks better today than it did at twenty-five. Suffice it to say that SNL's legendary producer, Lorne Michaels, probably feels pretty proud of himself these days. His show has defied the odds to become the longest-running late-night series in U.S. television history. Somewhere along the way, the comedy series transitioned from oddball, counter-culture programming to mainstream culture, with each new episode contributing to SNL's self-preserving mythology. However, in many ways, SNL's success isn't really about Michaels. Today, the show is its own creature; its fate is determined by the whims of the zeitgeist and the talent of its cast. In fact, of all the factors contributing to SNL's unbelievable success, its always-shifting ensemble might be what matters most. Bad casts can tank a season, while great casts—hell, even one great player—can bring the show back from the brink of collapse. (Just ask Eddie Murphy.) SNL's resident comedians turned 30 Rock into a top-notch destination for lore, drama, and nonstop entertainment news. Each new addition (or early, unexpected departure) brings with it a round of hot takes and quick blogs. We want to know why so-and-so was fired, even though we know we'll never really know. And if you still need convincing that—to borrow a phrase from James Carville—it's the cast, stupid, consider how we talk about SNL. We don't remember great seasons. We remember how good SNL was when Chris Farley was on it. We define great sketches by the people who were in them. |
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The Kobo Libra Color Is Our Favorite Alternative to the Kindle |
I've spent years being stubborn about physical books. Work, video games, and all other tasks be damned, I spend too much time staring at screens already. Why would I do my leisure reading on a screen? Recently, though, all that has begun to change. Some of that has been a deeper understanding of e-ink screens. Modern e-book readers are are great at reducing eye-strain, but it's also been a lifestyle change. I'm busy, more on-the-go than I've ever been. Carrying a 900 page paperback of Dune isn't exactly practical. Modern e-readers are thin, lightweight, and packable. And, to my own surprise, my favorite one isn't even a Kindle. |
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