 I Think You're Fat Here's the truth about why I'm writing this article:
I want to fulfill my contract with my boss. I want to avoid getting fired. I want all the attractive women I knew in high school and college to read it. I want them to be amazed and impressed and feel a vague regret over their decision not to have sex with me, and maybe if I get divorced or become a widower, I can have sex with them someday at a reunion. I want Hollywood to buy my article and turn it into a movie, even though they kind of already made the movie ten years ago with Jim Carrey.
I want to get congratulatory e-mails and job offers that I can politely decline. Or accept if they're really good. Then get a generous counteroffer from my boss.
To be totally honest, I was sorry I mentioned this idea to my boss about three seconds after I opened my mouth. Because I knew the article would be a pain in the ass to pull off. Dammit. I should have let my colleague Tom Chiarella write it. But I didn't want to seem lazy.
What I mentioned to my boss was this: a movement called Radical Honesty.   The Movies You Shouldn't Watch With Your Kids An old friend told me recently that she watched Forrest Gump with her children over Thanksgiving.
"They loved it," she said. She was gushing, just a little, so proud that they had loved a movie that she loved when she saw it.
Her children are 11, 9, and 7.
"No, they didn't," I told her.
The phone was quiet, and I felt a little bad.
"What? What do you—"
She trailed off, sounding wounded.
I asked, "You saw Forrest Gump in the theater, right?"
"Yeah?"
"When you were how old?"
"Twenty?"
I explained: Sure, her kids found Forrest endearing. He runs across the country, which is fun. And they love Tom Hanks from Big and Splash, and maybe Turner & Hooch. And Bubba!
But they didn't get it.
 Where Does Jon Stewart's Comedy Go From Here? The internet lost its damn mind again. This time it was as a result of stories published in Newsweek and Variety that claim that comedian Jon Stewart accused the author J.K. Rowling of anti-semitism during a December episode of "The Problem with Jon Stewart" podcast. Have you watched the clip in question? If not, you'll find it here, below. At no point does Stewart seriously accuse the Harry Potter series or its author—whose hateful, transphobic remarks have repeatedly drawn the ire of the public—of this. Rather, he uses humor to make a broad point about culturally embedded stereotypes about Jewish people. As Stewart himself eventually said in a response to the uproar, any reasonable person watching the clip would understand the light-hearted nature of his comments. Unfortunately, though, the internet doesn't reward the reasonable.  The Rise and Fall of Planet Hollywood Roseanne Barr stood behind three feet of neon-blue glass, bottles of gin, vodka, bourbon, and tequila lined up behind her. White cement squares with handprints covered the walls. It was September 17, 1995; Barr was the reigning queen of prime-time television, but on this particular night she was wearing an oversize red T-shirt adorned with PLANET HOLLYWOOD across its front, cleaning a glass behind the bar at America's most popular chain restaurant.
Patrick Swayze, seven years on from his Dirty Dancing performance, sidled up to the bar. His hair was trimmed short, a sweep of bangs covering his forehead. A couple buddies with him: Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo. He paused, eyeballing Barr. "Hey, can I get a Pink Lady?"
 What's With All These Shirtless Celebs in Suits? It has been warmer than usual in New York this December. As a result, I have witnessed a panoply of peculiarities in this normally frigid month: cargo shorts at the divine Emilio's Ballato (the horror), a packed Pinkberry (the surprise), and many choosing to dine outdoors instead of in (the logic, if only because of Omicron) are a few examples. But what really had me scratching my head happened early on, December 2 to be exact, was when I came across a photo of Jonah Hill at the premiere of the new Netflix movie Don't Look Up. There he was, the man that topped my list of scumbros, dressed in a fit that challenged me to hate it. I simply couldn't. A strange start to the month, indeed.  Peter Bogdanovich on the Long, Slow Decline of a Teenage Star You know what day they killed me?" Sal said with his usual macabre amusement. "The same day as Kennedy—November twenty-second. We're all up there in Monument Valley—and the Old Man likes the weather." (He is talking about John Ford on a picture called Cheyenne Autumn.) "So he says, 'Let's kill Saul.' He always called me Saul—I don't know why—and they get the camera set up and old Ricardo Montalban shoots me. I fall down. Ford says 'That's swell,' and they do something else. A couple of hours later we hear the President's been murdered and Ford calls a wrap for the rest of the day. Somebody figured out that at the same time Ricardo was shooting me Oswald was shooting Kennedy. Is this weird?" Having riveted everyone's attention, Sal suddenly dropped his head to the left, closing his eyes as he did so, and snored softly in a mock sleep. This was an old number of his, but it never failed to get a laugh from me.
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Sunday, January 09, 2022
I Have a Lying Problem
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